Four Somali Pirates, a Dingy, a Dummy, and a Five Paragraph Order (SMEAC)

(SMEAC) Situation, Mission, Execution, Administration, Command/Signal. Better known as the five paragraph order used primarily by Marine, Army and some Naval ground forces for mission planning. What the SMEAC for engaging the Somali pirates might look like if Obama wrote it.


  • A) Enemy forces: (SALUTE)
  1. Size-Four Somali pirates
  2. Activity-Holding one American hostage
  3. Location- Twenty foot dingy in the Indian Ocean, no fuel, eight days of supplies.
  4. Unit- Somali Pirate's Union
  5. Time-48 hours and counting
  6. Equipment-Not much

  • B) Friendly Forces-
  1. USS Bainbridge (DLGN-25/CGN-25) Armaments include: 2 Terrier SAM launchers (80 Missiles), 2 × 3"/50, ASROC (8 Missiles), 6 × 12.75" torpedo tubes, 8 Harpoon SSM.
  2. Parked approximately one mile away from pirate dingy out of fear of pissing the pirates off.
  3. USS Boxer (LHD-4 Wasp Class Amphibious Assault Ship)Armaments include:Sea Sparrow missile system and Phalanx CIWS Aircraft Carried: up to 42 aircraft Troops: 2,070 sea-going Marines.
  4. Present location somewhere off coast of Somalia, but not too close. They might get overrun by pirates, too. Then I would really be up a creek without a paddle come 2012.
  5. I really need to do something about all these weapons. Maybe severe gun control laws or defense cuts.

Mission: Who, what, where, when, and most importantly, why?

  1. Who-No units assigned, government doesn't have the balls to employ useful military force. Using FBI hostage negotiators instead. (They are less offensive and have to play nice.)
  2. What-Twenty four hour old FBI handbook on how to deal with Somali pirates. Written by David Axelrod and Rahmbo.
  3. Where-Hiding under desk in the Oval Office and having nightterrors about Captain Jack Sparrow.
  4. When-Hopefully never.
  5. Why-Fear of provoking super-power state of Somalia and repeating Bill Clinton debacle.


  • Commander's Intent: To negotiate with moderate pirates in hopes of returning American hostage without use of military force. Who needs the military when I have an army of lawyers at my disposal. Plus, this will maintain's popularity with the Europeans and show our adversaries that I am a really nice guy. (The French did what? The French?!?!?)
  • Concept of the Operations: Run! Where is John Podesta when I need him?!?!?


  • Only applies if I were going to do something.


  • What is this new and strange word you speak of? Command? Reverend Wright told me I wouldn't have to make any decisions except when it comes to spending other people's money and I am good at that.

Before any military or ex-military grunts jump all over me for butchering the sacred five paragraph order, remember I used it for humor purposes. Freaking grunts can be so damn critical in their thinking! You know who you are.

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