- A) Enemy forces: (SALUTE)
- Size-Four Somali pirates
- Activity-Holding one American hostage
- Location- Twenty foot dingy in the Indian Ocean, no fuel, eight days of supplies.
- Unit- Somali Pirate's Union
- Time-48 hours and counting
- Equipment-Not much
- B) Friendly Forces-
- USS Bainbridge (DLGN-25/CGN-25) Armaments include: 2 Terrier SAM launchers (80 Missiles), 2 × 3"/50, ASROC (8 Missiles), 6 × 12.75" torpedo tubes, 8 Harpoon SSM.
- Parked approximately one mile away from pirate dingy out of fear of pissing the pirates off.
- USS Boxer (LHD-4 Wasp Class Amphibious Assault Ship)Armaments include:Sea Sparrow missile system and Phalanx CIWS Aircraft Carried: up to 42 aircraft Troops: 2,070 sea-going Marines.
- Present location somewhere off coast of Somalia, but not too close. They might get overrun by pirates, too. Then I would really be up a creek without a paddle come 2012.
- I really need to do something about all these weapons. Maybe severe gun control laws or defense cuts.
Mission: Who, what, where, when, and most importantly, why?
- Who-No units assigned, government doesn't have the balls to employ useful military force. Using FBI hostage negotiators instead. (They are less offensive and have to play nice.)
- What-Twenty four hour old FBI handbook on how to deal with Somali pirates. Written by David Axelrod and Rahmbo.
- Where-Hiding under desk in the Oval Office and having nightterrors about Captain Jack Sparrow.
- When-Hopefully never.
- Why-Fear of provoking super-power state of Somalia and repeating Bill Clinton debacle.
- Commander's Intent: To negotiate with moderate pirates in hopes of returning American hostage without use of military force. Who needs the military when I have an army of lawyers at my disposal. Plus, this will maintain my...er...America's popularity with the Europeans and show our adversaries that I am a really nice guy. (The French did what? The French?!?!?)
- Concept of the Operations: Run! Where is John Podesta when I need him?!?!?
- Only applies if I were going to do something.
- What is this new and strange word you speak of? Command? Reverend Wright told me I wouldn't have to make any decisions except when it comes to spending other people's money and I am good at that.
Before any military or ex-military grunts jump all over me for butchering the sacred five paragraph order, remember I used it for humor purposes. Freaking grunts can be so damn critical in their thinking! You know who you are.
Captain Richard Phillips freed by US Navy SEALS